i lv u

my minds been on you ever since i watch this morning's sunrise. been thinking bout what i'd say if i ever saw you again cause you know it's been so long. but it's only been 5 months. wasted months that you and i are never going to get back. and i'm thinking about what i'd say to you and how id act and if id touch your neck and face... or not, all while more and more details of outside are becoming visable and i'm feeling good remembering what it'd be like to touch you again when i remember that i'll never see you again or watch a sunrise with you again. none of what i feel matters anymore. i remember everything you told me that would happen and it did. always good at that too. and i've never been more hurt by the hurt i caused you. i see you're fine now, and you're probably not hurting anymore and that should make anyone feel better but i still hurt and i just want to stop.
there are too many coincidences to just stop. i see them and they mean things to me still - they're not just a MEMORY. i listen to them and and and despite all the bad i remember ONLY the good things because if you think about it, all there was was good things, real good things. and you listen to them, or i mean you don't, you see them as art to admire the composure and the arrangement and the things SAID and MAYBE meant, i don't know. and i see these coincidences and see i am hoping for more than i deserve.
wanting better things doesn't come easily to me anymore. there's always something better but at the same time you probably have the best thing and just don't know it. if something better comes okay i am not going to hunt for it. i want back all the things i didn't think were good enough. they were. my bicycle from when i was a kid, all three years of middle school when i ditched my real best friend for trash, the time we spent together, the good quality version of Rubber Band Man i deleted from my computer when I liked shitty music. what makes us live on through our long lists of regrets? we threw all the good things out of our lives - we should want to kill ourselves, right? this is what makes us different: hope. hope that we can forget how good those things were. that's easy: just remember all of the bad things. i'm not going to do it though. i refuse.
things are either are or they aren't. not something to be, not something was. ARE or AREN'T. and right now they are. and you know what i mean. WE are. YOU are. I are. its real and you know what i MEAN.
i've said a shit load of fucking retarded things, and still at it too, and probably still going to be. i need some real fucking help. i have demoralized the word love and turned your words into goat vomit and insulted you til my face was blue and yours red with anger. im a selfish bitch who's - however slowly - learning to control her mind and channel her mind to think only positive, authentically positive thinking. done by meditation i've heard. got to find myself before i can find you. but i accidentally found you first and now i have to go back and find myself. you're helping me find myself believe it or not. im working as hard as i can but i still slip up, my old nature comes back and bites my ass and makes me swear like a sailor - or say bitchy, rude remarks to you. work with me, as i am working with myself. i'm bound to change. if one can hope, TWO surely can.